Growing up, I always wondered and sometimes still do, why do people fall out of Love? How come one fall out of love? I always believed in a weird logic, give me a stone, I will fall in love with that. Now my present state, is my biggest wake-up call for me. Life always will not be like we want it to be. It is harsh and hurtful. And it is definitely not a Movie. We just don’t find love so easily as shown in movies, and life just does not end in 3 Hours. Even if we do find Love, if we don’t treasure it we are going to loose it.
If you would have read my previous blogs, you would know why and how, I landed in present situation. Before marriage, Before I came to know my wife was schizophrenic, and did not Love me at all. I was a hopeless Romantic. Now I question each and everything around me.
The day I dropped my then wife in train, I came back removed my ring, chain and Kada. They did not mean anything to me. I was angry and hurt. I never in my any nightmares did I imagine, that I would be separated and divorced so soon. Last days, I asked her Did you never love me? Why did you say yes to this marriage? But I did not get any answer.
In coming days, my head filled with hate & pain, and no one around me. I tried to keep myself occupied. I drank everyday for 3-4 Weeks, after I came from office. I used to be person who was disgusted by people who drink in sorrows, would say Drinking would not solve the problem. And now I was the one doing the same. I would not lie, sometime I even thought to end my life. My parents faces would come near me when I thought of this. I could not do this to them after all they have been through. So I drank myself to sleep for sometime. Then one day when my brother came to my home, asked me why I have been doing this and asked me to stop. And after that I slowly stopped.
But I had to keep my mind Occupied, I started sketching again, if not sketching I was cooking, if not that then I would start blogging or watching TV Series or Movies. I tried my best to keep my mind occupied. It is hard but not impossible.
Now my mom and dad are living with me and this has been one of the best time I m having since I got married. But still the memories come back, and they hurt. I still dont know what to do with these flash of memories. Why should I remember her. When she was never part of my life. Now we are packing all her things she left here. And even though there was no love, I feel really bad and hurtful. It is like a part of me leaving me. Maybe this part is a wound and some how I dont want it to heal. I start digging each time it is healing.
This one experience has fucked my head so bad. Hoping for better tomorrow.
Jagdeep Singh Virdi